Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Time to Christen the Ship/Insecurities on the subway


Well, I guess it's time for the maiden post of this new blog, so I'm thinking the best way to approach this is through a mission statement of sorts (albeit much less formal). I've created this blog in order to share my experiences in Brooklyn, my quest for a niche in life, and the numerous insecurities that plague me throughout the day. I'm serious: I've got about a thousand neurotic insecurities that could all qualify for a psychological disorder of their own, each with an official definition in the DSM-IV (the catalog of craziness that psychiatrists use to appear adequately educated). I'm not sure if I'm the only person who bumbles through life like a confused child, but I know that I am constantly and consistently informed by my insecurities, and it is, indeed, a confusing world out there. Things are never as simple as we perceive them. Even if we over-analyze things, we don't ever really form a solid understanding of our lives because the complexities that elude us are innumerable. This is why I'm so terribly distraught all the time. I'll never really get it, so I'm always fighting blind, and that just doesn't seem safe. Okay, enough of this, It's time to get started. Here's the first piece:

One of the most consistently confusing aspects of my life is subway etiquette. Particularly, when it is appropriate to give up my seat on the subway? When I first moved to New York, I was under the impression that--being a young and able bodied man--I should stand as long as there was a woman without a seat. That was over as quickly as it was conceived. Not only is such a Victorian notion of gentlemanliness impractical, it's counter intuitive to my feminist sensibilities. So, as the weeks turned into months, I started sitting freely, but even then, if I saw a woman in heels or a grumpy middle-aged person, I'd stand readily. That also dissipated (partly because I lost sympathy for people who make a conscious decision to wear impractical shoes, and partly because every time I gave up my seat, it would immediately be filled by the closest teenager). My workdays grew longer, and the hardening process of New-York-life trained me to find a seat and protect it at all costs. But, even so, there are a few exceptions where it's universally appropriate to give up a seat. The problem is recognizing these situations.

It seems reasonable to assume that pregnant women should always get a seat, but here's the problem: how do you know if someone's pregnant? My girlfriend once ran into an awkward situation where a guy got up under the assumption that she was pregnant; she was not, but she took the seat and thanked him just to avoid the embarrassing alternative. Ever since then, I've second guessed myself regarding pregnant women. Now I have to decide which is worse: do I offer a potentially un-pregnant woman a seat at the risk of our mutual embarrassment? Or do I neglect to offer my seat in fear of a social transgression? I don't know. Yesterday, I found myself on the F-train, sitting before a bulging, gravid stomach, silently debating with myself, embarrassed that I hadn't already offered her my seat (and equally embarrassed that I might appear to be leering at a pregnant stomach). What do you do in a situation like that? What's the appropriate measure?

It also seems reasonable to give up your seat to the elderly, right? Is seems natural to have respect for the old and decrepit because we will all someday be old and decrepit ourselves. The problem is than I have no idea how old someone needs to be before they qualify for priority seating. As I stated earlier, I used to give up my seat for middle-aged people, but it turns out that there are a hell of a lot of middle-aged people in New York, and 99% of them are healthier than I am. I've grown defiant toward the overweight housewives who gossip in groups on the train, glaring in judgment at any and all who are seated more comfortably than they are. So, over time, I've narrowed my group to senior citizens, but then we run into the age old question: how many wrinkles does someone have to have before they qualify for senior citizenship? How frail should they appear before they are entitled to a seat? It's so difficult to judge that I am frequently distracted (for the entirety of my ride) by the prospect of a very wrinkly 40-something.

There are others who should get a seat: the obviously handicapped, women with strollers, and anybody who seems too exhausted to stand. But, even so, I find that I am less polite than I intend because I am haunted by the prospect of misinterpreting the situation. Even worse, I'm usually bitter and tired, myself. I tell myself that they don't have my job, they're not standing all day, they don't know what I've dealt with. This makes it a little easier to bunker down in my seat, put on a blank expression, and bury my face in a book. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I don't know. It seems like everyone else is following suit, and we're not exactly rude, we're just minding our own business.

3 comments:

  1. i've lived in new york all my life everyone goes though that. but you have to realize theres hundreds of people on that train fulling capable to give up there sit at a moments notice why cant they give up there seats?. however if we all think that way no one would get up. and the problem dosent or sholdnt lie with the person sitting it should lie with the person standing if one is standing and just cant stand or whatever reason they should just ask for a sit but we as humans are too subern to ask for help in this day and age

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  2. I travel a lot, and whenever I am in that type of situation, I stand up. I don't nessesarily offer my seat to any one person, but I make it available. After all, when the train/bus/subway/ferry becomes crowded, I am sure there is SOMEONE in more need than me. The exception is when I am with my family. Controling 2 small kids in a crowd is hard enough....

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  3. All the more reason I never plan to visit New York. BY the way being a gentelman and a sexist are two different things. Example: I once dated a guy who would NEVER let me open a door. It was super annoying that he would leap in front of me to open any and every door. I can open a door for myself but if you are at the door first please hold the door.
    Maybe to keep people less deserving from stealing your seat offer to give your seat to said lady or elderly before you get up. But this is the advice from an old southerner that has never been and probably never will go to New York.

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